Love Spat

Many years ago, someone told me I was afraid of success.

"That's insane", I proclaimed!!  "Of course I want to succeed."

Now, I understand what she meant.  And, that she was right.

I am frequently paralyzed by the idea of actually becoming a doctor.  How will this lofty goal ever come into being?  Can I possibly do this?  Am I nuts for trying?  What if I try my hardest and I fail?  What if I just skate by and I fail?  What if I fail boards?!  What if I can't get out of debt?  What if I can't find the right rotation? What if I'm an impostor and someone discovers this?  What if they say "who let this dumbass into medical school"?  What if I run out of energy?  What if I die?  What happens if I can't get into a good residency?  What if I have to move to Kansas or some shit to find a job?  What if my grades are bad and I don't get matched?  What if, what if, what if?  Blackout.

And so I sit, biting my fingers until they bleed, ignoring all the amazing things I've already accomplished, all my current success... in favor of doubting myself and my abilities. Instead I sit with my anxiety about all the ways I might not measure up, and looking at the massive, gigantic future in front of me, fraught with potential failures, at times seeming like walking on an ever-narrowing path on the side of a rocky crag...I can barely see the chances of making it through alive.

Immediately I start thinking about what I can control.  I can study or not study.  Well, if I study, I still might fail!  That would ruin me.  What if I find out those horrible what-if's are true?  What if I am an impostor?  What if I am never going to be good enough?  What if I make a shitty doctor?  I can't deal with that.  Shut down.

If I do not study, I know what will happen.  I will cram last minute, I will pass.  I will fly under the radar.  I will not attempt greatness and therefore, I will never risk stinging defeat.  One more episode of Damages sounds like a great idea.  I'll just go to bed early and try again tomorrow.  Why am I so tired?  Why do I just want to sleep and sleep?  Maybe I'll eat more food, that ought to help.

I've piled so much fear on top of the simple task of learning that I've gotten into an imaginary love spat with my life goal.  I'm procrastinating and avoiding myself into mediocrity.

The last time I was at the Ranch, we all decided to go on a bike ride.  I knew it would be up the mountain.  I knew it was going to take a lot of energy and focus.  I knew it would be a challenge.  What if I pass out?  What if it's too hard?  What if I can't do it?  What if I hurt myself?  What if I can't breathe? My legs will burn!  Everyone else is going to be able to do it...what if I can't?

My anxiety about what I would face stopped me before there was barely an incline.  I made it a mile before panic put my lungs on lock down.  Game over.  I turned around and went home, everyone else made it there.  Not my favorite outcome, but at least I didn't face something new.

I take two actions to prevent success in my life.  #1 - If I become too afraid that I can't succeed, I take myself out of the race.  #2 - If I am successful, then it must have been easy for someone like me to have achieved it, and I raise the bar higher.  Never mind the work I did, the skills I used to achieve my goals...none of that counts.  If it was in my grasp, it must have been ordinary.

Not exactly a good formula for feeling good about my own accomplishments.

I have been running a 2 mile loop around my neighborhood.  I like that it's measured, predictable, and safe.  I know exactly what it will ask of me, I'm already sure I can accomplish the run.  Today...I did 3 laps.  I did it on principle.  I'm not only capable of that 3rd mile, but so, so much more. Now I've got to work on being proud of that 3rd mile instead of thinking "any asshole can run 3 miles - get back to work".

I still love you medical school...let's learn and make up.
V